The mind is a curious thing. From it we dream and think, we imagine and create, and it is in the mind that we often fight our hardest battles. 2020 has been a year where many of us have struggled with that inner battle, and the stats back it up.
In 2014 I was diagnosed with depression. I knew those words were coming, I had been in that place from about a year before, but to tell anyone or to admit it was one of the biggest battles of all. It’s why I’m sharing this with you now, because I know that many of us would rather suffer in silence, even to dangerous levels, rather then admit the darkness we’re fighting.
That’s how I would describe what I felt back then, just darkness seeping into every thought and action. Something as simple as getting out of bed took all my energy and made me want to end it all.
I’m better now. At least better then I was, much better then I was. Thanks to the doctors, medication, and support of my wife, as well as changes in circumstances and behaviours, (and of course God, but we’ll get to that) I’m better now. But I still struggle. Now, however, its more like dark clouds in my mind instead of a complete blackout, and they come and go. If I know the weather forecast, then I can better prepare for what is to come, or hunker down to avoid the rain.
It can take real conscious effort to do some simple things, to not allow the clouds to dominate the landscape of my mind, but I’ve learned to gain perspective, to love myself better, and to take time to be grateful for what I have. Not to just be positive, but to be hopeful. I heard someone (I can’t remember who) say that there is a marked difference between optimism and hope. Optimism is wishful thinking, hope has a source.
As a Christian, and a Pastor, when I had depression, it was difficult to make sense of who I was and how I felt. How could God be real, when I felt like this? Where was God, why didn’t he lift me up or wrap me up, or give me a slap and tell me to get on with it? How could I point people to God when I was struggling to find him myself? I asked him these questions time and again and nothing. Until he gave me a picture.
Pictures for Christians are like day dreams but you have a sense, no — an assurance — that God is the one showing you it. In this day dream I was in the sea, it was night and there was a storm. The waves were so rough, that I was drowning. I was shouting for help but the storm so loud and the sea so rough that there was no chance anyone would hear me. So I said to God, “see I’m drowning, why won’t you save me? Where are you?” And God responded, “but what do you see?” As I looked I noticed a lighthouse, which I had dismissed before, what use was it to me?! I said as much, getting quite frustrated with God by now. Then God asked me, “what do lighthouses do?!” Sensing that I wasn’t in the mood for riddles he answered his own question, “they point to the presence of something and guide ships safely home.” At that moment not much changed, but everything did. I was still ‘all out at sea’ in my mind, but God answered my questions, he was with me, this storm would end, and he would guide me home. I just had to keep surviving, keep fighting. That day I remembered that hope needed a source, and God was reminding me where my hope was sourced — “we have this hope as an anchor for the soul,” that’s the kind of hope you need when you’re all out at sea.
It took quite a while for me to feel better, and it was a slow and gradual process, and I’m still on that journey. I remember there was a video that described depression as a black dog, well sometimes my black dog still barks, I’ve just learnt what I need to do to control him and live with him at times.
I wanted to share my experience so that you could know that you are not alone. This year has been tough on us all, some more than others yes, but tough on us all.
Don’t suffer in silence, talk to someone, take that first step.
And I don’t know where you stand with God and faith and all of that, but I know where God stands with you. He sent his son to this earth, to walk our walks, to feel what we feel, and to make himself known, because every time we shout ‘God where are you?’ He responds by saying ‘I’m here,’ it just might not be what we was expecting.
Photo by Darko Pribeg on Unsplash
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