I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do. I’m sure we’ve all said it, or at the very least, thought it. Perhaps you know the desired outcome, you just don’t know how to get there. Reflecting recently, I recognised that this would be a great name for my autobiography (if I ever wrote one). Beth (my wife) often says to me I’m really good at blagging it, which in my job is kind of a strength and weakness. I’m not sure if ‘blagging it’ is the best way to describe this particular gifting of mine, perhaps ‘thinking on the spot’ or ‘ being adaptive’ would be better. At it’s best this particular gift allows me to respond to a crisis or issue as soon as it is presented, perhaps someone is struggling with something pastorally that I’ve never had to deal with before, and it is helpful being able to navigate these situations. At it’s worst, I don’t prepare as much as I should for a talk, or training evening, and can to some extend wing it. Either way I’m grateful that these experiences haven’t killed me (yet).

What I share above is what happens on the surface, it’s what Beth sees that leads her to compliment (or critique?!) my ability to wing it. What is happening under the surface is much less refined, with the conversations between myself and God, effectively being me screaming ‘get me out of hereeeee’ (like Ant and Dec at the start of that famous Australian celebrity TV show). 

I hate not knowing what to do and having to take steps forward into the unknown, but I also recognise that being in this position is where I often experience life in it’s most intense and purest form, even in the darkest of storms in my life or the life of others. It is also the place that I have experienced the goodness of God most often.

Take, for example, the time I was on mission in Sri Lanka. As a team we had split into two, one half leading a service in a church, the other half taking the children for kids church around the corner. As we (the children’s team) came back to the church, the preach was just coming to a close, and the local pastor asked us as a team to pray. Many people responded, which was both exciting and daunting, especially as many of the team weren’t used to praying for people, and some of the team were particularly nervous about doing so. As I began to pray one of the local pastors brought a lady to me who wanted prayer, and told me ‘she has many demons.’ This lady looked old, and had an odd eye colour, very grey and dark, but other than that I had no idea how they had discerned she had any demons, let alone many, but I began to pray. I was feeling quite overwhelmed, I had never been in this situation before, and I needed to remain calm as many of the team had expressed concern at what might happen in times like this. Two of them, for example, had taken themselves away from the area we were praying and were peering around the corner, observing what was going on such was their apprehension.

Back to the lady with many demons, I began to pray, but pretty soon realised ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ And so that became my prayer; ‘Jesus, I don’t know what I’m doing, but you do, so do that.’ I knew this lady did not speak English and so I began to pray this out loud, and every time I said ‘Jesus’ at the start of my prayer the lady responded with a bit of a shake, and her arms went really tense and muscular (oddly so). After a minute or so, a real sense of calm came to the lady and she laid on the floor with a smile on her face. I proceeded to pray for a few other people and the service slowly came to an end. 

After the service the team were chatting with some of the locals when a lady came up to me to shake my hand. I didn’t think I had met her before as she had stunning bright blue eyes, but I was sure I recognised her clothes and that’s when it clicked, this was the lady with many demons, and something had clearly changed. The dull eye colour of before was gone, and she looked about 20 years younger. The two apprehensive team members were with me when I had been introduced to her, so I called them over to see the change in this lady, and to see that although there is often some weird stuff that can go on during prayer ministry, this is the beauty of it, lives transformed, people set free.

The change in this woman was pretty stunning and undeniable if you had seen the before and after, but what I took the most from this experience was my prayer, and Jesus’s gracious use of it. Since that day I’ve used that prayer a lot, or an adapted version of it; ‘Jesus I don’t know what to do, but you do, so do that or show me how.’

I hope it’s not just me, but life can be pretty daunting. I saw a video recently, with someone saying they can’t believe they are an adult with complete freedom to do whatever they want, with no supervision. I’m sure we all have had the same experiences, where we have our first pay check and are excited about the amount of treats we can buy, our first long drive after passing our driving test feeling like we should have one of those extendable leads to hold us back, or the day we take our first child home, and while lifting them up like Simba in Lion King, stare at them with no clue what to do with this living thing in front of us.

The last few years for me have felt like I have passed milestone after milestone, and rather than feeling more certain and more assured, I feel more and more like I don’t know what I’m doing. I know what my future holds and what is coming, but so often I just don’t know what to do.

If you’re like me then you can be grateful for the ability to wing it, but more than that, WAY more than that, I am grateful for Jesus, who graciously answers my ‘I don’t know what to do’ prayers. It is often in this moment of not knowing what to do, and relying on Jesus that I learn what trust and faith really look like. It’s the ability to trust in Jesus even when the outcome is not guaranteed.

Jesus in the weeks, months and years ahead would you guide me and show me the way. I don’t know what to do, but you do, so do that or show me how.