One Christmas I received a Buzz Lightyear. I believed so much in Toy Story that I made several attempts to help Buzz fly. I still have Buzz but one of his wings is broke from these failed attempts. But what of my belief in God? Is it the same as these failed attempts? Does doubt mean my belief is weakened or that the very existence of God is up in the air, about to come crashing down any second? Or is doubt actually about belief? Is doubt the crucible in which belief is formed?
Recently I have struggled with doubt, doubt in God, and what 'it' is all about. Under this label of 'it' I suppose you could put any number of things; my calling, my purpose, life. Whether it had been the sense of moving one step forward but then two back with my vision and plans, or unanswered prayer, I have just been left constantly frustrated and continually asking questions, trying to wrap my head around the God of the universe, while life just keeps rolling on. I guess I've felt a bit like being on a train, continually trying to focus on the objects out the window, but the train is moving too fast and then I realise I don't even know where I am going, or how the train works. Perhaps I am, no, I definitely am over thinking it. Sometimes you've just got to enjoy the ride.
I was encouraged by two things;
The first a quote from G.K Chesterton 'A fool tries to get the heavens inside his head, and inevitably his head explodes, but the wise man is content to have his head in the heavens.'
The second, the story of Martin Luther, the key figure in the reformation. He was for many of the years of his life and ministry crippled with doubt, he felt unworthy, and couldn't balance the God he knew with the fallibility of his humanity or of the church. Yet despite, in fact because of this doubt he was able to wrestle with the idea of God in relationship with man, and as a result developed the idea of being justified (made right) by faith alone, from his reading of scripture.
These two men have helped me accept that doubt may just be ok. Firstly as G.K. says God is so different, so much more than we can imagine we won't ever be able to wrap our heads around him, and if we could, would he be any sort of God worth living for?
And second, Martin Luther shows that it is the wrestle of doubt that leads to the formation of a solid faith. Like any good inventor, who sees a problem and isn't content until they design the solution or the scientist who wants to understand how something works, and wrestles with formula and experiments until they get the answer.
Doubt is the crucible for faith, the arena for the great wrestling match between what we know and what we don't and the great truth I am slowly discovering is that in the middle of the two is the eternal foundation of a Loving God, who is up for the wrestle too.
As a father cries out in Mark 9, let this be our prayer; 'I believe, help me with my unbelief.'
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